I needed to read this again, and realized it's not here on this blog. So I'm adding it now. It's about time!
In my posts here on CarePages I have been very open, especially
since Abigail's death. I wanted to show people that it's okay to
grieve, because
you can still stay close to Heavenly Father and
still grieve.
I know that being open in public makes me vulnerable, and so I
wasn't really surprised when someone disagreed with something I
said. I don't expect everyone that reads my writings to agree or
understand. But if I condense what was said to me, it was "You are
grieving the wrong way."
This happened a while ago. What was said to me didn't
necessarily hurt me, and I don't think often about it, but it's
made me hesitant to post. Last night I wanted to post, but
didn't.
Last night I was thinking of this before I went to bed. I had a
dream (I usually can't remember my dreams!) and in it, I was
missing Abigail and crying just a little bit. I walked into a home
I know well and there was a group of people I know well sitting
inside. They all saw me and saw the tear on my cheek. The feeling
that emanated from them was "Poor girl. She is still lost and
hasn't found peace." I didn't want their pity and inaccurate
judgment. I turned around and walked out.
This morning I decided to continue being honest and open. I am
not writing just to the person who mentioned my grief. I'm writing
to address the concept of dwelling, remembering, moving on, and
other such terms.
I know people won't always agree. That is normal; I accept
that.
I know people won't always understand where I'm coming from.
That is normal; I accept that.
I know I don't know everything! That is normal, and of course I
accept that. I accept correction. I accept disagreement. I accept
that being falsely judged is a really unpleasant thing to go
through.
Because I realize and accept those things, I will continue to
write. And Heaven knows I'll continue to grieve.
About the same time this was said to me, a friend of mine had a
similar experience. Her daughter died almost 2 years ago, and
recently after one of the mom's updates, she received a comment to
one of her posts. With her permission, I quote it:
“I know your heart and mind mean well, but [do] you think that
[your daughter] wanted you to dwell on the past? No, I don't think
she would have wanted that. Get help with your grieving.
Anonymous”
The mother responded beautifully and with kindness, saying among
other good things that remembering is not dwelling.
People, generally with good intention albeit very misguided, say
"move on." That insinuates another message, even though unspoken--a
message of "put it behind you, it's in the past, stop thinking
about it. Stop letting it affect your life so much."
The problem--the very, very big problem--is that I will never
forget my child. I cannot move on from her, put her behind me, stop
remembering her, or no longer let her affect my life. She CHANGED
me.
Remember President Hinckley's multiple comments that we should
never forget the pioneers and the trials they faced? For those
unfamiliar with the story, I'll summarize it for you: Two handcart
companies of Latter-day Saints left Iowa City to walk to Utah in
July 1856. Their handcarts had been built quickly, with green (not
dried) wood, so many broke down and caused a lot of delays. They
had trouble with unfriendly Indians. Attempting to lighten their
loads and move faster, they discarded extra clothing and bedding.
There was sickness. At times there was no water. They were then
caught in an early and severe winter storm. There was shortage of
food. Extreme hardship. Over 200 members of these two handcart
companies died before they reached Salt Lake City. And President
Hinckley has said that we should CONTINUE to read their stories and
learn from their examples of faith.
Just because we remember lives and struggles from "the past"
does not mean we are not living in the present and planning for the
future! There is wisdom from looking in the past. There is
opportunity for growth and change by looking in the past. We must
also look to the future. The very big key as I see it, is that if
you look either in the past or in the future with the wrong mind
frame, then you are in trouble. But if you look in the past and in
the future with the right perspective, it can bring growth, hope,
and increased faith.
Last October Elder Edward Dube gave a wonderful talk entitled,
"Look Ahead and Believe." In it, he quoted Elder Jeffrey R. Holland
who said, "The past is to be learned from but not lived in. We look
back to claim the embers from glowing experiences but not the
ashes. And when we have learned what we need to learn and have
brought with us the best that we have experienced, then we look
ahead and remember that *(italics) faith is always pointed toward
the future*" ("The Best is Yet to Be, Ensign", January 2010).
At the ultimate of all examples was a man who's life changed the
world. And we are supposed to THINK of Him EVERY.SINGLE.DAY. We are
supposed to let His life "in the past" be so present in our lives,
that it changes us.
I understand there are also natural-man ways to dwell in the
past; where Satan can manipulate feelings to a fault and prevent
growth and keep us locked from using the past to better our future.
This is a tricky and difficult situation. Why?
Because who is to say if that has really happened to someone?
Who wants to be the judge of others? Have you walked in their
shoes, lived in their brain? How on earth do we ever have the right
or audacity to judge whether or not someone is dwelling in the past
"correctly" or "incorrectly"?
Correctly based against what?
Compared to whom? You? Me? We are all unique. We are all unique and
have different lives. As President Uchtdorf so eloquently said,
"STOP IT." Stop judging.
What may look to others as dwelling in the past may be that
person's hardest trial of their life--and we are telling them to
move on? To stop remembering or dwelling like WE think is the right
way? Ouch. Super ouch.
Imagine what it would be like if collectively as a people we
were able to replace our ideas of how things should be or our
judgments of others with
compassion (1 Peter 3:8)
pure love,
and patience, gentleness, and kindness unfeigned?
How healing would that world be?!? If someone WAS struggling
with the natural-man way of dwelling in the past, I could think of
no better way for them to learn and grow through it than for
Christ-like love to be continually poured out to them. And
conversely, how good for the lives and hearts of those able to
provide that love and support.
Someone gave me a wonderful analogy of labor and delivery. I'm
going to include pregnancy as well.
I do not carry a pregnancy like you do.
You do not labor like I do.
We do not deliver the same way, with the same exact thoughts or
emotions. We are not all living the same labor.
Do not judge my labor because it is not like yours. Recognize
that even if I speak of Abigail for the next 60 years, that is MY
labor. Don't automatically assume that living with "the past" in
mind is strictly and solely a negative thing. I do believe Christ
himself would wage an argument against that mentality.
Abigail's life is not equivalent to our Savior. Please don't
misunderstand. It is the principle of "remembering" that I am
talking about.
I guess to simplify it, there are different kinds of "moving
on." I won't--I can't--move on like I used to because I simply am
not the same person. I will--and can--move on as I am now. As I am
now INCLUDES recognizing pain and death, it includes acknowledging
grief, it includes being changed in how I act and think, it
includes thinking about my baby girl and learning from the pain she
suffered, it includes talking about her and her life. I pick all of
that up (because really, it's the scoop out of my blue and I can't
very well leave it behind) and as Elder Holland said, we bring it
with us and carry on with faith.
I've thought long and hard and prayed to know if I should even
post this. Many of you will understand it, some won't. That's
normal, and that's okay. We are all unique.
I love all of you. I am grateful for the support and love you
show me. I hope this sheds a little light on a tender subject and
inspires all of us to continue being kind, compassionate, and
non-judgmental.
And to carry on in
Faith.
