On June 20th, I remembered that I had totally forgotten the monthly 'anniversary' of June 15th....the day marking 11 months since Abigail died.
Five days later, I remembered! It wasn't that we didn't think of her; of course we did. It was Father's Day on June 15th. That was probably one of the reasons why I forgot--I was thinking about Aaron and Abigail together and put together a slideshow of pictures of the two of them.
When I realized I had forgotten, I thought, "Dat's good." Maybe Abigail told me that's good. Eventually, just as I stopped thinking of every Monday as an anniversary of her death, the 15th of each month will hold less importance as well. I don't know that I'll ever forget July 15th, but who knows? If I did, would that mean I don't love Abigail as much? Would it mean I'm forgetting her? Would it mean I don't honor her memory? Surely not. It would probably mean that she has become such a part of me, just as my other children are, that I don't need dates to remember her by. It would probably mean that my scoop is being healed more and more by time and faith in Jesus Christ. It would probably mean Abigail is happier that mortal dates don't affect me as much. It would probably mean I'm getting older and losing my memory....(obviously, I'm on that path already!)
|June 22, 2013. Abigail helping me cut her pain-killer pills in half.|
And speaking of dates, today is the 24th of June. Last year on this day we signed a DNR form for Abigail. Do Not Resuscitate. Abigail had her LAST EVER scan. The cancer was everywhere. It was the day we told Abigail that we could leave the clinic and she never, ever had to go back again. She would never have to go to the hospital again! She was happy about that.
We never told her she was going to die. In her wise, 4-year-old mind, she knew. I think angels were preparing her. One day as I held and rocked her during hospice she said, "When I die I'll be all better!"
Who told you, Abigail? How did you know---first, that you would die, and second, that you would be healed after said 'death'? If you are healed, then you are alive. I know you are. Only your mortal frame died. The real you lives on, and I cannot hardly wait till I see you again.
I'm crying thinking about what June 24th involved. Telling my dad to please hurry and finish building her casket. Many, many tears. And there are tears today, but less than last year. Dat's good. "In His plan there are no true endings, only everlasting beginnings."1
|June 24, 2013|
Thank you for remembering Abigail with me. Thank you for the birthday gifts you gave her of service or doing and being good. She LOVED them! Thank you for your comments here on her blog; we treasure them. We hope that her life and story and our journey through grief can help others in some small way.
I'm grateful I forgot on June 15th to think about the 11-month anniversary of her death. That was significant...a foreshadow of continued healing, through the Atonement.
"It might sound contrary to the wisdom of the world to suggest that one who is burdened with sorrow should give thanks to God. But those who set aside the bottle of bitterness and lift instead the goblet of gratitude can find a purifying drink of healing, peace, and understanding."2