Miracles Today

I was originally going to title this "A Miracle Today" until I read an email tonight about Abigail.

Let me start with last night.

I stood staring at the clothes in my closet wondering what to wear for family pictures this morning, and I thought, "Birthdays should be fun. Why do I want to wear only black? That probably doesn't make Abigail happy, but I really only want to wear black."

Then I could feel the sobs seriously starting to churn inside and one escaped and I sat down in Abigail's rocking chair in my bedroom. After a couple minutes, I realized I hadn't cried anything more than that first burst. I had dried up. I had become still. Not quite peaceful, but just--still. I thought, "Maybe Abigail's here." And then I had the impression that might be true, but also that many prayers were being offered on our behalf and He was listening. Thank you, thank you.

Your faith and prayers have carried us through the day. We took family pictures (and I wore a light-gold blouse, by the way. I just knew Abigail wouldn't like the all-black.) Hyrum, Mary, and I did proxy baptisms at the temple. We went grocery shopping to prepare for tomorrow. We watched some home video footage of Abigail's 3rd birthday when she was healthy. I went visiting teaching tonight, and then we spent a few hours prepping food for tomorrow.

One way to not think about feelings too much is to stay busy, but that wasn't my intention when we planned a while ago to go to the beach on June 13. But we did plan it, and since it will be a leave-early and get-back-late trip, we have to plan and pack all of our food. Which requires a lot of thinking.

I did manage to have enough brain power to think how ironic it is that we are going to go to one of Abigail's favorite places: the beach. The last beach we went to was Silver Beach (I think that was the name) in San Diego just over the border from Tijuana. She got her feet and ankles wet for about 10 minutes. She was also hooked up to a home infusion pump that I carried around. Soon she was cold, so I changed her clothes and she sat on my lap till she fell asleep. Not your typical beach experience. But that was typical life for Abigail.

But back to today...

As the day has drawn to a close, I have been so grateful that although it has been a hard day, it has been smooth. My emotions have been even. We received many kind texts and a few flowers here at home. A box of fruit with scripture messages attached. Sweet, thoughtful new friends in our new home out here trying to help us cope.

It was a good hard day. That was the miracle. Through the faith and prayers of many, He supported and strengthened us. It's certainly not beyond His power, and I am so grateful He notices us.

A friend of mine went to Abigail's grave and texted me a picture saying there was a bunch of stuff at her grave. A friend of Aaron's also went and did the same thing to Aaron. We were touched.

I don't think I even cried today, beyond just misty eyes. Until tonight, when I read an email. The church members back home---sweet, thoughtful sisters in the gospel--sent an email to the ward members inviting them to visit Abigail's grave since it is her birthday today. They put balloons there so it was easy to locate. I don't know if they even realize I'm still on that email list, but in the email they wrote, "We [want] to show that we still remember her and love the Goss family."

Then the tears came.

I don't know why it's so important as the living survivor of a 'deceased' person to have other people also remember with you. But it IS. It IS. And when I saw by the end of the day how much Abigail is still remembered, even though they didn't know her very well because she was young and not often in public, or never even met her at all like our Virginia friends, it really touched me.

So to everyone who said a prayer for us, and all our family, and all of you wonderful people who read this, thank you. Thank you for remembering Abigail.

Happy birthday, precious angel. I hope you will still keep me forever like you said you would.

Faith.