Hi! My name is Abigail. I finished my mortal mission in a little spec of eternity you call July 2013.
Now I'm in the Spirit World and can help my family and friends (that's everyone) from this side of the veil. Some people get a little uneasy talking about "talking spirits" or "ghosts" but I'm here to tell you we're not scary. My body died, but I'm still alive. My body was destroyed and really needed a break, but I'll have it again soon. You'll have to trust me on the issue of timing. It won't be long, promise.
A month before I came here, my mommy was holding me and I told her "I will keep you forever." It took her by surprise that I came up with that on my own, but I knew what I was saying. I reinforced it later a few times by telling her, "I will keep you forever in my world, " and "I will keep you forever in my life". I meant exactly what I said.
This little piece of world wide web is a place my mom can continue to write and record her feelings--her progress, I like to call it. I know it's helping a few of you, too.
Remember who you are--really are--and that many of us are excited to see you all again, too. Eternity is a very long time and I have to keep reminding my mom "I will keep you forever".

Wednesday, July 15, 2015

"I will not fail thee, nor forsake thee"...not 2 years later, nor ever.

I have been at conflict with myself on whether or not to post. I don't feel like I have anything to say. I don't have the energy to try to describe emotions of happiness or sadness or what we've learned and are still learning.

Two years. My little missionary who was called to serve at such a young age....still serving at 24 months. But of course time is of this world, not of hers.

One of the reasons I'm hesitant to post about today is because of how agonizing and anguishing today, and the days leading up to it, was. How much INSANE amounts of morphine she was going through to try to keep her pain under control, and still she would cry out if I moved my legs or body under her. "The messicine isn't working, mommy." One of the few coherent sentences I could understand. So we moved to dilaudid. Within 24 hours she had had over 300 mg. For those who've used that drug, you know that's a lot. An hourly dose of 10 mg with 5 mg boluses allowed every 10 minutes on her Patient Controlled Pump. And she used them.


And then the nurse telling you that with that much drug in her system, it was going to start causing muscle spasms and contractions. There were many, many, many difficult things we watched Abigail go through in her life, but this ranked high up there. To hold her as her neck muscles would strain and tighten and because she had not eaten much for almost 3 weeks and didn't have any fat stores, you could see her bones and tendons as her muscles would stretch and spasm and jerk. Her whole body did this. It was absolutely horrid. The nurse on duty in our home was in the process of requesting another drug; meanwhile they put on another patch to try to help relax her uncontrollable muscles. It didn't help much. And a new drug didn't matter; I think it arrived an hour before or after her death. Maybe it never arrived; I can't remember.

One of the last physical things I did for her while she was alive, no, I guess technically she was dead, was to have to reach up and close her eyes for her. These are only a couple of multiple things we experienced on this day 2 years ago. I can't write them all. Her death was not peaceful. The Spirit was in our home, and with us in full force, but her death wasn't pretty.

I learned on a deeper level than I already knew that Christ's Atonement goes beyond any pain we will ever experience. Even when it gets harder, and harder, and harder still. Even when you don't understand why someone so innocent had to suffer so much. His ways are not our ways, and His ways are certainly higher than our ways.

Three months later we had the blessing of attending General Conference, a biannual conference in which the Prophet for our day and age speaks, along with the Quorum of the Twelve Apostles and other church leaders. I sat and listened to President Monson as he told us that his wife had died 5 months earlier and how much pain that caused. If the prophet of God, who certainly has a clear understanding of God's purpose and plan for life and eternity, felt pain and publicly acknowledged it, then of course it was right and proper for me to feel pain. I didn't need permission to mourn, but it was a validation that I was "doing it right." His talk will always remain one of the "classics" that I refer to repeatedly.

Our Heavenly Father, who gives us so much to delight in, also knows that we learn and grow and become stronger as we face and survive the trials through which we must pass. We know that there are times when we will experience heartbreaking sorrow, when we will grieve, and when we may be tested to our limits. However, such difficulties allow us to change for the better, to rebuild our lives in the way our Heavenly Father teaches us, and to become something different from what we were—better than we were, more understanding than we were, more empathetic than we were, with stronger testimonies than we had before.

This should be our purpose—to persevere and endure, yes, but also to become more spiritually refined as we make our way through sunshine and sorrow. Were it not for challenges to overcome and problems to solve, we would remain much as we are, with little or no progress toward our goal of eternal life. The poet expressed much the same thought in these words:

Good timber does not grow with ease,
The stronger wind, the stronger trees.
The further sky, the greater length.
The more the storm, the more the strength.
By sun and cold, by rain and snow,
In trees and men good timbers grow.8

Only the Master knows the depths of our trials, our pain, and our suffering. He alone offers us eternal peace in times of adversity. He alone touches our tortured souls with His comforting words:
 “Come unto me, all ye that labour and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest.
“Take my yoke upon you, and learn of me; for I am meek and lowly in heart: and ye shall find rest unto your souls.

“For my yoke is easy, and my burden is light.”9

Whether it is the best of times or the worst of times, He is with us. He has promised that this will never change.
How I love our prophet! If you feel so inclined to do or say something for me today, what I would choose and ask of you is to read his talk {here}. No matter your age, religion, or choices in life, I believe you will be inspired by it.

My children have memorized the above poem. What a powerful reminder that adversity, if you choose, can strengthen you. It can also break you. Difficult experiences can be either faith-building
or faith-breaking. How deeply our Father in Heaven wants us to turn to him at all times, and especially hard times.



Two years. How incredibly we miss her. How we long to hear her voice, or dream of her. But these aren't in our control. Heavenly Father is in control. If He wanted her Home, then we want her Home. It is surely a purifying process to live without her.

And although it was one of the worst days of my mortality, I know it was a beautiful day for her. Her Heavenly Birthday. That brings peace. As I think about it, it was probably one of the more glorious days of her eternity. Mortal birth and being sealed to our family through covenants would be another. She kept her second estate 1 and someday will receive thrones, principalities, kingdoms, and more. 2

Happy Heavenly Birthday, Abigail. We love you and are so glad you will keep us forever.

As always,

FAITH.

12 comments:

  1. I knew you were having a very difficult day and just wanted to say we love you and your family.

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    1. Thank you, Arlene. So glad we have you as our 'new family.'

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  2. Thinking of you today. What bittersweet memories...and what a hard hard day that must have been. I remember that day and your request for prayers for Abigail. I knelt in my room and prayed for that sweet girl with tears streaming down my face. I hadn't ever met her but I had the strongest feeling of peace envelop me as I prayed and I felt the spirit say to me that Heavenly Father is aware of her, he knows her, and loves her. The peace was amazing and I am so grateful and humbled to have felt that. Abigail is truly an amazing girl with a powerful spirit. I'm so sad she had to suffer ao much at the end. Those are hard memories. But what a glorious return to our Heavenly Father. May you feel peace this day and we pray for your family this week! Much love to you my friend!.

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    Replies
    1. Thank you, Kim. You know these feelings. Much love back to you.

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  3. I thought of you often yesterday. I am so sorry you have to experience this, but I love "Happy Heavenly Birthday, Abigail". We love you and your family!

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    1. Thank you, Tricia. We love your family too!

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  4. Annabeth,
    As always, thank you for being so open and beautiful with your words. I too, love the reference of "Happy Heavenly Birthday". We love Abigail! We love you, Aaron, Mary, Hyrum, Elisabeth, and Rachel. While we will never know your experience and emotions, we continue to ache for you and your family. We too, find peace in the truths of eternal families. While I would never wish Abigail's experience on anyone for my selfish benefit, her example has brought our family closer together, and for that we are forever grateful. Knowing Abigail brings new meaning to the commandment "be as a little child". Her example of fortitude and submission is humbling and inspiring. Thank you again for sharing thoughts and pictures. It touches my heart in a way that is difficult to describe.

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    Replies
    1. Thank you, Colleen. I am grateful that others were able to learn from Abigail as well.

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