I Need You to Know

Last week I went to a beautiful funeral. A bit of an oxymoron, but true.

I physically met for the first time the family that has been woven into my heart for over a year, and now will never leave my tapestry. I 'met' them on the phone at the suggestion of a mutual friend about one month after Abigail died in July of 2013. Annika had been diagnosed with neuroblastoma and our families had a lot in common. They were hesitant to talk to me since Abigail's death was still so recent, but they received reassurance that it was fine and safe to talk, and so we did. I hope I was helpful to them as they had never walked the pediatric oncology journey before, and I had. And now both of our girls are together.

During the funeral, I felt like I wanted to cry, but I couldn't. And for those who cried, it was absolutely fine and appropriate to cry. But I couldn't, because the spark of wanting to cry was doused by the strength being poured into the room, or at least into me. I could cry now thinking about it. :) I have no doubt that the Holy Ghost was present in full force and the many prayers were being listened to, and I also think my sweet Abigail was lifting me so I could be of service to others.

Annika lived a beautiful life, even in the presence of pain. She was loved deeply and still is.

As I drove home, I was shocked that Abigail has been 'gone' 14 months. Not that I haven't realized it, but it just sunk in to a deeper level. FOURTEEN MONTHS! How on earth have I lived through 14 months without her physically with me???! Through faith and His mercy and grace, that's how. Through the prayers that have been offered in our behalf. Through grueling days and painful tears and happy memories.

A wise woman and friend privately commented a while back on one of my updates, and her words struck me. They are powerfully true. Allow me to share them anonymously with you:



"I want you to know that I do care and I wish that somehow I could mitigate the pain and the loneliness that you feel. I am grateful that you put the pain and the loneliness into words. I think you are helping many, many people who have been told (or have felt that others have felt) that those emotions indicate lack of faith or lack of knowledge of the plan of salvation. Rubbish. This isn't about faith, it is about love. You love your darling Abigail. She is part of you. You miss her and miss watching her grow and become. Abigail is fortunate to have come to a family that loves so deeply and cherishes its children."


There it is, ladies and gentlemen. The reason for pain is love. The most supreme example is our Savior. He came and atoned and died because of love. We try to follow His pattern of life and service--that's why we have families. And when something goes wrong or awry in those deep feelings of love, we experience pain. We still love, and we can still have joy. But how tragic it would be to not miss your loved one after they died!

Fourteen months. Wow. I sure miss her. I'm trying to get her photos organized and memory books created. That's a project worthy of tears! Do I have faith in Christ and knowledge and trust in His plan? Absolutely. Do we have sunshiney days and happy times. Of course. Is it getting easier to live without her? No. But overall, do I feel better than I did 14 months ago? ......

Yes.

Time AND faith.

I don't want to be misunderstood here. A physical part of me was taken, and the pain will linger for all of mortality, I imagine. Some days it still threatens to bury me. But I also need to acknowledge, publicly, that Christ strengthens and gives peace. He has promised that He will not forsake or fail me, and because I trust that, I trust all His other words, too. The words that say I can be comforted. The commandment to be of good cheer. The admonition to lift up my heart, and that angels will be round about me to bear me up. Oh, it hurts, and yet He is still so good.

I just wanted you to know--needed you to know--that broken hearts are always scarred but peaceful and happy by, through, and because of Him.

I love Him. I love my Savior, Jesus Christ. Abigail does too.

FAITH.