In my posts here on CarePages I have been very open, especially
since Abigail's death. I wanted to show people that it's okay to
grieve, because you can still stay close to Heavenly Father and
still grieve.
I know that being open in public makes me vulnerable, and so I wasn't really surprised when someone disagreed with something I said. I don't expect everyone that reads my writings to agree or understand. But if I condense what was said to me, it was "You are grieving the wrong way."
This happened a while ago. What was said to me didn't necessarily hurt me, and I don't think often about it, but it's made me hesitant to post. Last night I wanted to post, but didn't.
Last night I was thinking of this before I went to bed. I had a dream (I usually can't remember my dreams!) and in it, I was missing Abigail and crying just a little bit. I walked into a home I know well and there was a group of people I know well sitting inside. They all saw me and saw the tear on my cheek. The feeling that emanated from them was "Poor girl. She is still lost and hasn't found peace." I didn't want their pity and inaccurate judgment. I turned around and walked out.
This morning I decided to continue being honest and open. I am not writing just to the person who mentioned my grief. I'm writing to address the concept of dwelling, remembering, moving on, and other such terms.
I know people won't always agree. That is normal; I accept that.
I know people won't always understand where I'm coming from. That is normal; I accept that.
I know I don't know everything! That is normal, and of course I accept that. I accept correction. I accept disagreement. I accept that being falsely judged is a really unpleasant thing to go through.
Because I realize and accept those things, I will continue to write. And Heaven knows I'll continue to grieve.
About the same time this was said to me, a friend of mine had a similar experience. Her daughter died almost 2 years ago, and recently after one of the mom's updates, she received a comment to one of her posts. With her permission, I quote it:
“I know your heart and mind mean well, but [do] you think that [your daughter] wanted you to dwell on the past? No, I don't think she would have wanted that. Get help with your grieving.
Anonymous”
The mother responded beautifully and with kindness, saying among other good things that remembering is not dwelling.
People, generally with good intention albeit very misguided, say "move on." That insinuates another message, even though unspoken--a message of "put it behind you, it's in the past, stop thinking about it. Stop letting it affect your life so much."
The problem--the very, very big problem--is that I will never forget my child. I cannot move on from her, put her behind me, stop remembering her, or no longer let her affect my life. She CHANGED me.
Remember President Hinckley's multiple comments that we should never forget the pioneers and the trials they faced? For those unfamiliar with the story, I'll summarize it for you: Two handcart companies of Latter-day Saints left Iowa City to walk to Utah in July 1856. Their handcarts had been built quickly, with green (not dried) wood, so many broke down and caused a lot of delays. They had trouble with unfriendly Indians. Attempting to lighten their loads and move faster, they discarded extra clothing and bedding. There was sickness. At times there was no water. They were then caught in an early and severe winter storm. There was shortage of food. Extreme hardship. Over 200 members of these two handcart companies died before they reached Salt Lake City. And President Hinckley has said that we should CONTINUE to read their stories and learn from their examples of faith.
Just because we remember lives and struggles from "the past" does not mean we are not living in the present and planning for the future! There is wisdom from looking in the past. There is opportunity for growth and change by looking in the past. We must also look to the future. The very big key as I see it, is that if you look either in the past or in the future with the wrong mind frame, then you are in trouble. But if you look in the past and in the future with the right perspective, it can bring growth, hope, and increased faith.
Last October Elder Edward Dube gave a wonderful talk entitled, "Look Ahead and Believe." In it, he quoted Elder Jeffrey R. Holland who said, "The past is to be learned from but not lived in. We look back to claim the embers from glowing experiences but not the ashes. And when we have learned what we need to learn and have brought with us the best that we have experienced, then we look ahead and remember that *(italics) faith is always pointed toward the future*" ("The Best is Yet to Be, Ensign", January 2010).
At the ultimate of all examples was a man who's life changed the world. And we are supposed to THINK of Him EVERY.SINGLE.DAY. We are supposed to let His life "in the past" be so present in our lives, that it changes us.
I understand there are also natural-man ways to dwell in the past; where Satan can manipulate feelings to a fault and prevent growth and keep us locked from using the past to better our future. This is a tricky and difficult situation. Why?
Because who is to say if that has really happened to someone? Who wants to be the judge of others? Have you walked in their shoes, lived in their brain? How on earth do we ever have the right or audacity to judge whether or not someone is dwelling in the past "correctly" or "incorrectly"? Correctly based against what? Compared to whom? You? Me? We are all unique. We are all unique and have different lives. As President Uchtdorf so eloquently said, "STOP IT." Stop judging.
What may look to others as dwelling in the past may be that person's hardest trial of their life--and we are telling them to move on? To stop remembering or dwelling like WE think is the right way? Ouch. Super ouch.
Imagine what it would be like if collectively as a people we were able to replace our ideas of how things should be or our judgments of others with
compassion (1 Peter 3:8)
pure love,
and patience, gentleness, and kindness unfeigned?
How healing would that world be?!? If someone WAS struggling with the natural-man way of dwelling in the past, I could think of no better way for them to learn and grow through it than for Christ-like love to be continually poured out to them. And conversely, how good for the lives and hearts of those able to provide that love and support.
Someone gave me a wonderful analogy of labor and delivery. I'm going to include pregnancy as well.
I do not carry a pregnancy like you do.
You do not labor like I do.
We do not deliver the same way, with the same exact thoughts or emotions. We are not all living the same labor.
Do not judge my labor because it is not like yours. Recognize that even if I speak of Abigail for the next 60 years, that is MY labor. Don't automatically assume that living with "the past" in mind is strictly and solely a negative thing. I do believe Christ himself would wage an argument against that mentality.
Abigail's life is not equivalent to our Savior. Please don't misunderstand. It is the principle of "remembering" that I am talking about.
I guess to simplify it, there are different kinds of "moving on." I won't--I can't--move on like I used to because I simply am not the same person. I will--and can--move on as I am now. As I am now INCLUDES recognizing pain and death, it includes acknowledging grief, it includes being changed in how I act and think, it includes thinking about my baby girl and learning from the pain she suffered, it includes talking about her and her life. I pick all of that up (because really, it's the scoop out of my blue and I can't very well leave it behind) and as Elder Holland said, we bring it with us and carry on with faith.
I've thought long and hard and prayed to know if I should even post this. Many of you will understand it, some won't. That's normal, and that's okay. We are all unique.
I love all of you. I am grateful for the support and love you show me. I hope this sheds a little light on a tender subject and inspires all of us to continue being kind, compassionate, and non-judgmental.
And to carry on in
Faith.
I know that being open in public makes me vulnerable, and so I wasn't really surprised when someone disagreed with something I said. I don't expect everyone that reads my writings to agree or understand. But if I condense what was said to me, it was "You are grieving the wrong way."
This happened a while ago. What was said to me didn't necessarily hurt me, and I don't think often about it, but it's made me hesitant to post. Last night I wanted to post, but didn't.
Last night I was thinking of this before I went to bed. I had a dream (I usually can't remember my dreams!) and in it, I was missing Abigail and crying just a little bit. I walked into a home I know well and there was a group of people I know well sitting inside. They all saw me and saw the tear on my cheek. The feeling that emanated from them was "Poor girl. She is still lost and hasn't found peace." I didn't want their pity and inaccurate judgment. I turned around and walked out.
This morning I decided to continue being honest and open. I am not writing just to the person who mentioned my grief. I'm writing to address the concept of dwelling, remembering, moving on, and other such terms.
I know people won't always agree. That is normal; I accept that.
I know people won't always understand where I'm coming from. That is normal; I accept that.
I know I don't know everything! That is normal, and of course I accept that. I accept correction. I accept disagreement. I accept that being falsely judged is a really unpleasant thing to go through.
Because I realize and accept those things, I will continue to write. And Heaven knows I'll continue to grieve.
About the same time this was said to me, a friend of mine had a similar experience. Her daughter died almost 2 years ago, and recently after one of the mom's updates, she received a comment to one of her posts. With her permission, I quote it:
“I know your heart and mind mean well, but [do] you think that [your daughter] wanted you to dwell on the past? No, I don't think she would have wanted that. Get help with your grieving.
Anonymous”
The mother responded beautifully and with kindness, saying among other good things that remembering is not dwelling.
People, generally with good intention albeit very misguided, say "move on." That insinuates another message, even though unspoken--a message of "put it behind you, it's in the past, stop thinking about it. Stop letting it affect your life so much."
The problem--the very, very big problem--is that I will never forget my child. I cannot move on from her, put her behind me, stop remembering her, or no longer let her affect my life. She CHANGED me.
Remember President Hinckley's multiple comments that we should never forget the pioneers and the trials they faced? For those unfamiliar with the story, I'll summarize it for you: Two handcart companies of Latter-day Saints left Iowa City to walk to Utah in July 1856. Their handcarts had been built quickly, with green (not dried) wood, so many broke down and caused a lot of delays. They had trouble with unfriendly Indians. Attempting to lighten their loads and move faster, they discarded extra clothing and bedding. There was sickness. At times there was no water. They were then caught in an early and severe winter storm. There was shortage of food. Extreme hardship. Over 200 members of these two handcart companies died before they reached Salt Lake City. And President Hinckley has said that we should CONTINUE to read their stories and learn from their examples of faith.
Just because we remember lives and struggles from "the past" does not mean we are not living in the present and planning for the future! There is wisdom from looking in the past. There is opportunity for growth and change by looking in the past. We must also look to the future. The very big key as I see it, is that if you look either in the past or in the future with the wrong mind frame, then you are in trouble. But if you look in the past and in the future with the right perspective, it can bring growth, hope, and increased faith.
Last October Elder Edward Dube gave a wonderful talk entitled, "Look Ahead and Believe." In it, he quoted Elder Jeffrey R. Holland who said, "The past is to be learned from but not lived in. We look back to claim the embers from glowing experiences but not the ashes. And when we have learned what we need to learn and have brought with us the best that we have experienced, then we look ahead and remember that *(italics) faith is always pointed toward the future*" ("The Best is Yet to Be, Ensign", January 2010).
At the ultimate of all examples was a man who's life changed the world. And we are supposed to THINK of Him EVERY.SINGLE.DAY. We are supposed to let His life "in the past" be so present in our lives, that it changes us.
I understand there are also natural-man ways to dwell in the past; where Satan can manipulate feelings to a fault and prevent growth and keep us locked from using the past to better our future. This is a tricky and difficult situation. Why?
Because who is to say if that has really happened to someone? Who wants to be the judge of others? Have you walked in their shoes, lived in their brain? How on earth do we ever have the right or audacity to judge whether or not someone is dwelling in the past "correctly" or "incorrectly"? Correctly based against what? Compared to whom? You? Me? We are all unique. We are all unique and have different lives. As President Uchtdorf so eloquently said, "STOP IT." Stop judging.
What may look to others as dwelling in the past may be that person's hardest trial of their life--and we are telling them to move on? To stop remembering or dwelling like WE think is the right way? Ouch. Super ouch.
Imagine what it would be like if collectively as a people we were able to replace our ideas of how things should be or our judgments of others with
compassion (1 Peter 3:8)
pure love,
and patience, gentleness, and kindness unfeigned?
How healing would that world be?!? If someone WAS struggling with the natural-man way of dwelling in the past, I could think of no better way for them to learn and grow through it than for Christ-like love to be continually poured out to them. And conversely, how good for the lives and hearts of those able to provide that love and support.
Someone gave me a wonderful analogy of labor and delivery. I'm going to include pregnancy as well.
I do not carry a pregnancy like you do.
You do not labor like I do.
We do not deliver the same way, with the same exact thoughts or emotions. We are not all living the same labor.
Do not judge my labor because it is not like yours. Recognize that even if I speak of Abigail for the next 60 years, that is MY labor. Don't automatically assume that living with "the past" in mind is strictly and solely a negative thing. I do believe Christ himself would wage an argument against that mentality.
Abigail's life is not equivalent to our Savior. Please don't misunderstand. It is the principle of "remembering" that I am talking about.
I guess to simplify it, there are different kinds of "moving on." I won't--I can't--move on like I used to because I simply am not the same person. I will--and can--move on as I am now. As I am now INCLUDES recognizing pain and death, it includes acknowledging grief, it includes being changed in how I act and think, it includes thinking about my baby girl and learning from the pain she suffered, it includes talking about her and her life. I pick all of that up (because really, it's the scoop out of my blue and I can't very well leave it behind) and as Elder Holland said, we bring it with us and carry on with faith.
I've thought long and hard and prayed to know if I should even post this. Many of you will understand it, some won't. That's normal, and that's okay. We are all unique.
I love all of you. I am grateful for the support and love you show me. I hope this sheds a little light on a tender subject and inspires all of us to continue being kind, compassionate, and non-judgmental.
And to carry on in
Faith.
You would have to be a robot to avoid the big life questions, especially after experiencing the senseless death of your youngest daughter. Your heart needs a lot of healing, no matter how strong your faith is. Thanks for sharing, the life lessons, doubt, strength, and weakness within yourself. You might be surprised at how alike we all are. Much love to you Annabeth.
ReplyDeleteYes, my heart does need a lot of healing, and that healing is partially dependent on my faith! :) Much love back to you, Tom and family!!
DeleteThis is beautifully written. It was so nice to hear from you again. I always look forward to your posts. I completely agree with everything you said. The scriptures continually speak of remembering and I love that. Remembering is so important and unless you have experienced a loss you cannot fully appreciate that grief is a lifelong process. Some part of me will always be grieving but I am also moving forward and living life. Much love to you my friend.
ReplyDeleteYou are a good example to me, Kim. As you say, it IS a "lifelong process" in which we are still moving forward...and that combination of "living" is not well understood. I'm trying to help clarify, in whatever small way I can. Love you too!
DeleteI do understand. We all grieve differently. I am so grateful for memories, good and sad. I know that a death can change your world and teach you things you could never have learned any other way. I love and miss you and your family. Have a wonderful Thanksgiving.
ReplyDeleteWe miss you too!!! So grateful for memories!
DeleteMy son died in 1985 due to a swimming pool accident. My labor was different than yours - I only fought to keep him alive for 5 days, not months and years. There is no way to compare one person's labor to another's.
ReplyDeleteThere was a tiny little part of me that was able to detach a bit, and watch myself go through the grieving process. I never had any expectations of what it would be like or how long it would take. The only principle I did have in the back of my mind was this: if my grief ever seems to be compromising my ability to care for and nurture my husband and children and fulfill the potential the Lord has given me, I will seek spiritual or emotional help.
I don't think it ever got to that point. I am grateful for the people in my life who were there when I needed them to support and sustain me. Mostly I am grateful to the Lord for being encircled in the arms of his Love.
So very grateful for people that help bear our burdens, and absolutely for the Lord's encircling love. His strength is really what carries us, so much more than we even realize. :)
Delete