Hi! My name is Abigail. I finished my mortal mission in a little spec of eternity you call July 2013.
Now I'm in the Spirit World and can help my family and friends (that's everyone) from this side of the veil. Some people get a little uneasy talking about "talking spirits" or "ghosts" but I'm here to tell you we're not scary. My body died, but I'm still alive. My body was destroyed and really needed a break, but I'll have it again soon. You'll have to trust me on the issue of timing. It won't be long, promise.
A month before I came here, my mommy was holding me and I told her "I will keep you forever." It took her by surprise that I came up with that on my own, but I knew what I was saying. I reinforced it later a few times by telling her, "I will keep you forever in my world, " and "I will keep you forever in my life". I meant exactly what I said.
This little piece of world wide web is a place my mom can continue to write and record her feelings--her progress, I like to call it. I know it's helping a few of you, too.
Remember who you are--really are--and that many of us are excited to see you all again, too. Eternity is a very long time and I have to keep reminding my mom "I will keep you forever".

Sunday, July 6, 2014

July is here.

I have been kind of "quiet" lately because our modem died and so we couldn't connect to the internet for a while. I have also been busy, as life usually keeps most of us plenty occupied.

As I drove home a few days ago from being gone all day, I dared to do a little self-inspection of my emotions. And I rather quickly came to the conclusion that I'm "doing alright" right now because I am ignoring and suppressing my feelings. There, I've confessed. I don't want to deal with how hard the emotions are, and so I’m just ignoring them.

Aaron watched some video clips of Abigail on his laptop the other day while he was studying in bed, and I didn't want to watch. I didn't want to feel. Because if I open myself up to laughing with her cute, contagious laugh, I'll open myself up to pain as well. And at this particular point in time, well, the memories are about as mixed as they come, and it has the potential to be very painful. Avoidance. Good word. I'm sorry if this post isn't as positive as it could be, but it's the real me. For the next couple weeks I'm holding onto my faith just as tightly as before, just moving forward with my eyes closed for a while.

Very early on in our cancer journey (so at least 3 years ago) I read something I don't think I'll ever forget. It had to do with coping mechanisms. As human beings, we cannot separate emotions. We cannot pick and choose which emotions we will feel. As a coping mechanism, many people shut down feeling the pain, which also shuts down feeling joy. That resonated with me, and through her whole journey I have tried to embrace all emotions, because it was IMPORTANT for Abigail and our family that we felt as much joy and happiness whenever and wherever we could.

But for July, I am willfully choosing to block pain. And therefore joy. It just hurts too much to think about it. But don't worry, I'm sure it will build up and eventually explode and I'll feel emotions again (that may even be tomorrow. Who knows?!). Heavenly Father knows my heart. He knows me. He is there. I am so grateful for that. Eternally grateful. I'm grateful He doesn't judge me prematurely, in a mortal way. I am so grateful for my Savior and that He carries me. I'm not an emotionless robot. I still feel--and I feel grateful for many, many blessings. I'm just suppressing pain for the next....oh, little while.

About a week ago some well-intentioned person was trying to give comfort by telling us of her story 28 years ago. I won't go into details, because for the sake of what I'm trying to convey, they aren't important. I listened and made the appropriate sounds and responses, and said how wonderful it is that her story turned out the way it did. Shortly thereafter, the scripture hit me. She was trying to comfort me while I mourned. And yet the scripture says, "Mourn with those that mourn.....comfort those that stand in need of comfort." 1 Two separate phrases, engraved in ancient scripture. I have so much work to do to remember this....to remember to stop the natural inclination to TRY to fix people's hearts with words, or comfort those who mourn. Instead, mourn with those who mourn. I have a lot more to learn about this. Mourning is certainly different than uncomforted, although they probably have some relationship and comparison.

Thank you for your continued prayers. Life is good. The garden is growing. Young Women's camp was great, Scout camp is coming up. Lots of homework (for me) to do. Emotions to suppress because July is here. We're all good.

Constantly, in FAITH.

7 comments:

  1. Sometimes anger trumps all the virtuous emotions, squared. The odds are stacked hopelessly in anger's favor. Does it make us imperfect? Yep. Do you need to feel angry? Yep. So let it out, scream, and keep screaming until your lungs hurt. I will pray for you, Annabeth. I will pray for your family.

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    1. Hi Tom, thank you for your support and love. I haven't considered myself as angry yet, but maybe that does come across in my posts. :) Oh, the emotions. THANK YOU for your prayers. You have mine as well.

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  2. Mourning with you....until the last tear is wiped away forever. So thankful there will be that day! ♥

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    1. Thank you, Dawn. I know you are. So grateful too!!!

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  4. Several times recently, I have walked away from a conversation thinking: "Wait, I understand some things that could help that person, but all I did was empathize--why can't I be closer to the Spirit so I can be helpful?" Your reminder through sharing that scripture gives me a little hope; and a continued desire to stay close to the Spirit so I can do BOTH.
    How I love your home and garden and the wonderful piece of heaven your family is creating there.
    Love from all of us.

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    1. Wendy, any love and empathy you have for others is never wasted. Often words 'of teaching' are good, but love and support are much better. We love you all, too!!

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