Pain and Peace
Most nights I fall asleep because I'm tired and eager to put my
mind 'to sleep.' Last night I cried myself to sleep, fiercely
missing my little girl and wishing to hold her once more.
This morning when I woke up, she was first on my mind again. But I was blessed to have a more peaceful feeling. I could imagine Abigail telling me "I don't want to be there." And it reminded me of "she wasn't supposed to stay," a feeling I had last October that resulted in a poem. If she wasn't supposed to stay here, and she wouldn't want to be here now, who am I to argue?! The tricky business becomes merging the two concepts together: happiness that she is healed, that she is happy, and that she is where she's supposed to be, with how hard it is to live without her physically. Both are very strong. But faith is stronger. I know that His ways are higher than our ways.
Elder Sterling W. Sill said, "...the most important event in life is death. We live to die and then we die to live. Death is a kind of graduation day for life. It is our only means of entrance to our eternal lives. And it seems to me to be a very helpful procedure to spend a little time pre-living our death. That is, what kind of person would you like to be when the last hour of your life arrives?"
Another author has written described it as two births in this way:
When God sends forth a tiny soul
To learn the ways of earth,
A mother's love is waiting here--
We call this wonder -- birth.
When God calls home a tired soul
And stills a fleeting breath,
A Father's love is waiting there
This too is birth -- not death.
Author Unknown
Truly, I am happy for Abigial. She will never die again. Because of Christ, she is happy, joyful, and at peace. She is busy serving others and learning all she can. I'd better follow suit.
Destiny
by Annabeth Goss
She wasn't supposed to stay.
She'd finished her mortal mission...
Ah, but 4-years-old is so young.
No one expects their baby to get
stage-4 cancer.
Cancer, I don't hate you.
You are ugly, vicious, destructive, and
lengthy.
But she could have died by water, or food, or gun, or car...
Cancer, you were a trial custom-tailored for me
Custom-made to a razor-sharp point.
But you were just a tool
to teach us lessons we couldn't have learned elsewhere
And a tool to get her Home.
Abigail beat you, cancer. You did not win.
Abigail, my dear precious love,
I honor and revere you.
You could have and maybe should have died
much sooner
but you chose to stay for us as long as you could.
Thank you for staying, for suffering,
and suffer you did...
So that we could learn our lessons deeply.
I cannot wait
To hold you again
And let you play with my hair.
Thank you for teaching me about love and God.
Heavenly Father,
All glory goes to You.
I know Abigail is in Your light and love.
My heart overflows
with gratitude
that You still speak to mankind;
That modern-day, living prophets receive revelation
even about
death
and
child death
and
the world of spirits here on this earth.
That anyone can learn of Your plan,
And the purpose
Behind such sorrow.
And with that knowledge comes peace.
Peace, how I cling to you.
It is gut-wrenching
and heart-breaking
and soul-purifying
and faith-refining
to know
that
she wasn't supposed to stay.
FAITH.
This morning when I woke up, she was first on my mind again. But I was blessed to have a more peaceful feeling. I could imagine Abigail telling me "I don't want to be there." And it reminded me of "she wasn't supposed to stay," a feeling I had last October that resulted in a poem. If she wasn't supposed to stay here, and she wouldn't want to be here now, who am I to argue?! The tricky business becomes merging the two concepts together: happiness that she is healed, that she is happy, and that she is where she's supposed to be, with how hard it is to live without her physically. Both are very strong. But faith is stronger. I know that His ways are higher than our ways.
Elder Sterling W. Sill said, "...the most important event in life is death. We live to die and then we die to live. Death is a kind of graduation day for life. It is our only means of entrance to our eternal lives. And it seems to me to be a very helpful procedure to spend a little time pre-living our death. That is, what kind of person would you like to be when the last hour of your life arrives?"
Another author has written described it as two births in this way:
When God sends forth a tiny soul
To learn the ways of earth,
A mother's love is waiting here--
We call this wonder -- birth.
When God calls home a tired soul
And stills a fleeting breath,
A Father's love is waiting there
This too is birth -- not death.
Author Unknown
Truly, I am happy for Abigial. She will never die again. Because of Christ, she is happy, joyful, and at peace. She is busy serving others and learning all she can. I'd better follow suit.
Destiny
by Annabeth Goss
She wasn't supposed to stay.
She'd finished her mortal mission...
Ah, but 4-years-old is so young.
No one expects their baby to get
stage-4 cancer.
Cancer, I don't hate you.
You are ugly, vicious, destructive, and
lengthy.
But she could have died by water, or food, or gun, or car...
Cancer, you were a trial custom-tailored for me
Custom-made to a razor-sharp point.
But you were just a tool
to teach us lessons we couldn't have learned elsewhere
And a tool to get her Home.
Abigail beat you, cancer. You did not win.
Abigail, my dear precious love,
I honor and revere you.
You could have and maybe should have died
much sooner
but you chose to stay for us as long as you could.
Thank you for staying, for suffering,
and suffer you did...
So that we could learn our lessons deeply.
I cannot wait
To hold you again
And let you play with my hair.
Thank you for teaching me about love and God.
Heavenly Father,
All glory goes to You.
I know Abigail is in Your light and love.
My heart overflows
with gratitude
that You still speak to mankind;
That modern-day, living prophets receive revelation
even about
death
and
child death
and
the world of spirits here on this earth.
That anyone can learn of Your plan,
And the purpose
Behind such sorrow.
And with that knowledge comes peace.
Peace, how I cling to you.
It is gut-wrenching
and heart-breaking
and soul-purifying
and faith-refining
to know
that
she wasn't supposed to stay.
FAITH.
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